I got ninety nine problems and they all bitches
Wish I was Jigga man, carefree living
But I'm not Shawn or Martin Louie
I'm the Cleveland nigga rollin' with them Brooklyn boys
You know how I be when you start livin' large
I control my own life, Charles was never in charge
No sitcom could teach Scott about the dram'
Or even explain the troubles that haunted my mom
On Christmas time, my mom Christmas grind
Got me most of what I wanted, how'd you do it mom, huh?
She copped the toys I would play with in my room by myself, why he by himself?
He got two older brothers, one hood, one good
An independent older sister got me fly when she could
But they all didn't see,
The little bit of sadness in me, Scotty
I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life (yeah, yeah)
The soundtrack to my life
I'm super paranoid, like a sixth sense
Since my father died, I ain't been right since
And I tried to piece the puzzle of the universe
Split an eighth of 'shrooms just so I could see the universe
I tried to think about myself as a sacrifice
Just to show the kids they ain't the only ones who up at night
The moon will illuminate my room and soon I'm consumed by my doom
Once upon a time nobody gave a fuck
It's all said and done and my cock's been sucked
So now I'm in the cut, alcohol in the wound
My heart's an open sore that I hope heals soon
I live in a cocoon opposite of Cancun
Where it is never sunny, the dark side of the moon
So it's more than right, I try to shed some light on a man
Not many people of this planet understand, fam'
I was close to go and trying some coke
And a happy ending would be slitting my throat
Ignorance the cope man
Ignorance is bliss
Ignorance is love, and I need that shit
If I never did shows, then I'd probably be a myth
If I cared about the blogs, then I'd probably be a jack-ass
Don't give a shit what people talkin' 'bout fam
Haters shake my hand but I keep the sanitizer on deck
Hope I really get to see thirty
Wanna settle down, stop being so flirty
Most of the clean faces be the most dirty
I just need a thoroughbred, cook when I'm hungry
Ass all chunky, brain is insanity
Only things that calm me down, pussy and some Cali tree
And I get both, never truly satisfied
I am happy, that's just the saddest lie
What a doosy for my first writing assignment. This song makes me tear up every time I hear it. When I read the lyrics it makes me cry even harder haha.
What is wild, is that this song has spoke to me at so many different points in my life. Even today, as I read through each line, this hits me in such a different way than it has in the past. Some parts hit the same feels but I can definitely say that as a soon to be father, some parts hit in a new way.
I’d love to really dive into and go through this song, so I’m gonna hit it in pieces.
No sitcom could teach Scott about the dram'
Or even explain the troubles that haunted my mom
On Christmas time, my mom Christmas grind
Got me most of what I wanted, how'd you do it mom, huh?
My mother is one of the strongest people I have ever met. I know people say this about their loved ones all the time, but this woman was something special.
As I write this, I am overwhelmed by memories as I wipe away tear after tear. My mother passed in November of ‘22. I realize everyday how much the idea of “time heals everything” is such bullshit. My pain has grown as time has went on. In the first months of her passing I barely shed tears. I felt like I was the strongest person in any given room. I felt as if “this is it?” But deep down I knew, eventually, this pain would surface. It very much did and continues to do so…in a sharp, surprising, and almost always a wet-eyed fashion.
This woman never explained to me her struggles (I imagine as readers, your imagination doesn’t come close to what she went through). I only learned of the worst of them as I became an adult and began asking questions to friends and family.
As the song states, she also got me most of what I wanted. How did you do it, ma?
He got two older brothers, one hood, one good
An independent older sister got me fly when she could
But they all didn't see,
The little bit of sadness in me, Scotty
Hits pretty close to home for me. The siblings genders and ages didn’t fit exactly but we definitely had a dynamic in my family and my brother always seemed to be struggling a bit. I really look up to him a lot though. He was a really good role model for the arts. Incredible artist, fantastic guitarist, and also the one who introduced me to the funniest movies/tv and comedians. So much of that has been such a massive influence on my life and who I am. As the years have gone on, we seem to have grown further apart.
Ahhh, the “sadness”. I had no idea that what I struggled with as a kid and well into my adult life was depression. When I was younger I disguised it with other emotions. Anger being the primary cover emotion. I was always described as an angry kid but it all seems so obvious now. I was also able to use productive addictions to hide from this. Things like sports, socializing, and video games being the majority of my time sinks. I know that these might not be seen as productive or as an addiction. It was productive in the way of keeping me from doing much worse things at the very least. It was an addiction because of the way I personally indulge. When I find something I like, I binge. I binge to the point of destroying relationships. If not addiction, I don’t know what to call it.
I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the verse that has related to me since the first day I heard it. Even as a kid I always felt I needed to seem like I was okay even when I wasn’t. My biological dad not being a part of the picture messed with me for a long time. Even as an adult it molds my very existence I have such a strong desire to be the best dad in every way and I know it stems from that.
When I wasn’t hiding those emotions, I’ve really always been one who wears his heart on his sleeve. It always came natural to show exactly how I felt at all times. (Maybe that’s because I was too exhausted from hiding the other ways I felt) This doesn’t exactly chalk up to the best thing when you’re a young angry kid but it has served me well as an older more mature husband.
I also try to bring awareness to the things I’ve learned. I do want to be an example. An example for what you can overcome. An example that mindset and hard work can get you through awful shit. On top of that, I want to show that when you get to a place where people start thinking you’re succeeding, they must be reminded that those little bitch ass insecurities and hidden emotions are still there. I’ve done my best to lock them away in a deep dark place but they still exist, and for good reason. Truth is, I visit them. I like to look at them now that I have them contained and I study them. I want to understand every detail behind them. I must understand how they were capable of tormenting me for all those years. They will be the reason I am strong. They will be the reason others become strong.
Don't give a shit what people talkin' 'bout fam
Haters shake my hand but I keep the sanitizer on deck
Hope I really get to see thirty
Wanna settle down, stop being so flirty
Most of the clean faces be the most dirty
I just need a thoroughbred, cook when I'm hungry
Ass all chunky, brain is insanity
Only things that calm me down, pussy and some Cali tree
And I get both, never truly satisfied
I am happy, that's just the saddest lie
I wish I didn’t care what people think but I really do. Not only do I want to be liked but I want that connection. I want you to like me so much that you enjoy talking and being around me. If I can succeed in that then I know I’ve been doing well as a human. At least by my moral standpoint. That being said, I live my life on my path. If you would like to join me on that path I’d gain true happiness in that but I’m not leaving my path in search of that acceptance. I know who I am and I have a pretty clear idea of what I want now. I’m headed in THAT direction.
I used to dream about having a family. It was honestly the thing I dreamt about most. Obviously we all fantasize about money and all the things we’d do with it but I used to imagine the family in that little dream. Even if I didn’t have a significant other at the time, I always knew a family is what I wanted. I wanted it so bad that I almost forced it and you can imagine how that would have turned out.
The lyrics in this song that pertain to people being shady and haters and such didn’t click when I first heard it. It wasn’t until I had been around for a bit and I actually started to encounter these people. I like to imagine that I have a pretty good bullshit detector but I definitely get fooled. It’s easy to get fooled when you’re always trying to do the best for people. I try to let it roll off my back and pay no mind to those people anymore. I really try to remember that they are hurting too. They are most likely hurting a lot more than I am.
The woman I married is beyond amazing a million different ways. I’ll touch on only a few. She is thoroughbred, cooks when I’m hungry, ass is chunky, and her brain is insanity haha. Thank you Cudi for the template. I couldn’t be more thankful.
Smoking weed didn’t come into play for me until my 20’s. When I was in high school I played sports and had a pretty strict stepfather. I was under the impression, like many of our parents, that weed was for losers. If you wanted to get somewhere in life you had to avoid being a burnout. So I avoided it, graduated, worked a job that drug tested for a few years, then left that job, and became a burnout haha. Jokes aside, I’m an avid smoker now and I feel like it allows me to think in a way that I’m not capable of when I’m sober. I partake everyday and imagine I will continue to do so.
I am happy, that's just the saddest lie
This is the reason this song will always pack a punch for me. Until I heard this song I truly don’t know if I had ever related to a song the way I had with this one. This line is so powerful and it felt so true for a huge portion of my life. I always put on the facade as if I was happy. I didn’t want people asking questions so I got pretty damn good at this. When I heard this, it was the first time I knew that there was someone else who felt the exact same way. Fuck man….I would speak on depression but it’s not about that. It’s bigger, much bigger. It is life that is the motherfucker. Depression is the same we give for it when you have a shit roll of the dice. We all need help on this journey in some form or fashion. I’m getting better at asking when I need it but I’ve truly grown in offering it. It’s much easier to accept help than ask for it. I love you all and I believe I’ve made it to the other side of that dark tunnel and I want to come back with a light.